Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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