repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
