in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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