When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
