you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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