This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
