best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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