apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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