I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
