No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
