I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
