my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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