I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
