i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
