One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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