I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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