I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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