I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the condom got lost in my hair
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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