moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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