She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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