my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
