i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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