U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
