He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
