If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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