Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
