OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
