watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
