I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So many bounce houses so little time
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
