yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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