I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
