dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
