I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize