i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
