a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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