Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
