You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
