see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
