Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize