Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
