Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
