well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
