if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my shit smells like andre
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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