I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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