I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
