Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I want to have your abortion
our cab driver is having phone sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
