I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
