Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
