"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
