I wish my penis had an off switch
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
