Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
