Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
