Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
