He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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