The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
