We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
