I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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