sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize