party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
