Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
