I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Randomize
