There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
