I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
