You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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